Episode 74 | Interlude 1.19

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Fabrizio, however, was constantly drawing me closer to him, and embracing me tight, when we were distant from Carlo, at least outside the house that he seemed to respect like a sanctuary. Perhaps my father had used that term with him, and Fabrizio had misinterpreted it? Because his strong arms, his manly presence and astonishing beauty were my sanctuary. And a dedicated worshiper was I.

I don't know how many times we kissed during those twenty four hours. Especially after Fabrizio refused sex with me -- knowing he was a good kisser, unreservedly passionate and purposely shameless, he wanted to make sure I'd grow addicted to his kisses, I sensed. I gladly surrendered.

 And every kiss seemed like another signature in the contract that we were spiritually writing in our hearts -- a contract that was to be for a lifetime.

*****

I wasn't in agony when Fabrizio left the farm without arranging our next meeting.

So much had been said in that brief period of our reunion in the Apennines. Deep and meaningful, if short. In a way, Fabrizio had come just to give a report about the significant changes in his life, which had brought us closer -- that, in fact, had placed us on the same margin, side by side.

From his conversations with Carlo, I had learned details about him -- like the fact that he read poetry every night before bed, and his passion for cooking -- which made him even more adorable to my eyes, more human and less of a determined businessman.

But there was also all that hadn't been said between us. I hadn't had the time to share about my own 'crossing', which had brought me back to my family's ancestral lands, and where we had reunited after our rough start in Vice City.

"Are you okay, Laurent? Are you sad about something? Or worried?" Fabrizio had asked me, between one kiss and another. But during that brief visit we were to concentrate on him, and not on my issues.

All those things left unsaid just signaled that we would certainly meet again to resume. Our evening of love that hadn't happened, too, was another promise of a new encounter. And we were now sure that we both wanted to share a life with each other.

However, with Patrizia, Fabrizio's sister, it had been slightly different. 

We had met for the first time in Vice City, where she was visiting her dearest brother. By the end of our date she had already arranged to meet me again -- at their cousin's wedding, which I should attend accompanying Fabrizio.

At first, Patrizia had been a little shocked that I was ten years older than her brother. If she had been capable of imagining Fabrizio falling for some of her hot gay friends, all in their early twenties, upon meeting me she had been genuinely surprised -- not only was I older, but I also looked older. Not exactly what she had imagined -- or wanted -- as boyfriend to her brother.

I did not go to their cousin's wedding after all. Not because I didn't want to meet Patrizia again.

  

I lied to Fabrizio, saying I had had my hair cut for the wedding. It had been actually an attempt to update my appearance, since I had been confronted with Patrizia's discomfort.

It was also an old habit acquired during my relationship with Angelo. I had changed my way of dressing to please him. I have already mentioned the contact lenses, despite using them bothered me more than glasses. And I had started training at a gym and taking supplements to make my body more attractive to him, since Angelo liked beefy guys. 

I was used to that look of consternation I got from Patrizia -- the disappointment about my appearance. Although hers had been very mild and hadn't lasted more than a few seconds. She was too polite, she loved Fabrizio too very much to be unkind to me. And she had tried to fix the discomfort she had caused by complimenting me the rest of the evening -- how I was up-to-date in terms of music and movies and so on. Though your clothes and hair..., she must have thought, but never said it. Patrizia was a lovely young woman, and we had ended the night as friends -- nevertheless, feeling old, too.

And I didn't attend the wedding.

It was a great event in the family. It had taken place ten days before our trip to Iceland, and Fabrizio and I hadn't yet spoken about it.

It had been ​​Fabrizio's idea and suggestion that we leave the comfortably warm house to watch the Icelandic starry sky. Grabbing an outrageously beautiful and soft sheep skin rug and some blankets, we headed to the rocks right by the sea, where we laid our improvised bed. Bellow us, waves crashed without violence, turning into clouds of mist, adding rhythm and populating the night, that otherwise was silent and deserted. Apart from our house in the back, there were no other lights to be seen, no signs of civilization other than planes passing by, in the distance. Like memories, or premonitions, for a moment they came to life by merrily blinking their lights, to again disappear, engulfed by the vast darkness. It was cold, and like a good boy born in the tropics, I had dressed warm like if I were to go touring the North Pole. Still, despite the rug and the blankets, I needed Fabrizio to tightly hold me in his arms, until his warmth had become mine.

I hadn't attended the wedding because I didn't want to cause Fabrizio any more problems. With Patrizia, he had turned ​​rebellious and combative against the prejudice he had met in the family. Brother and sister felt that he should fabulously display his new 'gay condition' to its fullest. A big family event was the perfect occasion to present me as his boyfriend.

 "Dear... I don't think I should go. And I won't be hurt if I don't." I was sincere with Fabrizio. "Just imagine how your parents would feel about all this? A coming out in such proportions, and with them right there in the middle of it... The questioning glances, maybe the family jokes our presence as a couple would arise... Wouldn't you rather like to give them some respite? Let them enjoy your presence without reserve..."

Though at first shocked with what he thought was hypocrisy, Fabrizio had finally been able to understand my point of view, my own exercise of temperance, and had given in. Patrizia had then also dismissed her ​​boyfriend, to spend one whole night with her beloved brother, at his arm throughout the festivities.

During the wedding party, the five Caprice occupied a family table, something that hadn't occurred in a long time.

"My parents were formal with me, but at no time less than cordial." Fabrizio shared. "You are looking great, Fabrizio...",  my mother complimented, since she had always liked seeing me in a costume. "I hope all is well with you", I heard from my father -- and I realized they were both trying to continue with our family career the best way they could, signaling with peace. Even if it was a hypocritical peace, since they would prefer to pretend my coming out had never existed."

But upon seeing the happiness they manifested with his cousin's wedding, Fabrizio had finally understood the huge disappointment that his coming out had brought them. The depth and extent of mental and emotional adjustments they would have to make, now that he wouldn't give them a daughter-in-law and grandchildren. He also realized they preferred to remain silent than to fuel his truth, as if, by not confronting it, with time and their wholeheartedly hoping for it, Fabrizio could again manifest interest in marrying another woman, like they still hoped for.

"Now that our family is... defective... we'll have to wait long for the next wedding... until that one over there decides to get married!" Franco, the elder brother, had said this with disdain and indicated Patrizia, whom he now resented, once she had handed her money to Fabrizio. "This... other kind... of  beings..." Franco's show off at the family table was intended for his new girlfriend, a girl slightly older than Patrizia, who wasn't yet aware of the intricacies of the Caprice family, "...they only attend saunas and nightclubs... and celebrate orgies, not marriages, isn't it?"

The accusation had been addressed at Fabrizio, who nevertheless laughed loud and happily.

"So you've just declared that you have no intention of marrying this girl, right brother?" Patrizia mouthed at once. "She is also not going to last, is she?" Franco had already had two wives, and a good number of girlfriends, all very beautiful but not especially bright, and the current one hadn't yet understood Franco's rudeness stated against her, that Patrizia had made so explicit.

But Fabrizio didn't make any comments and just smiled at his elder brother, and touched Patrizia's arm to calm her down, and to indicate he didn't need her to defend him.

"Franco!", it was heard before the elder brother was able to retort Patrizia.

Mr. Caprice did not need more than hissing the name of his eldest son to impose silence at the family table. He had never beaten his children, but his words could sound like whiplashes. And whenever he stated the name of a child that way, it was like a death sentence. Mr. Caprice would never say "Shut up now!". With the child's name he declared the loser of his children's disputes, the one who should be silent in the first place -- although in fact all of them should shut up, once he had shown his annoyance.

"And Patrizia... Please treat this girl with kindness." He went on, indicating Franco's new girlfriend. "Today, at this table, she is part of our family..." And despite talking to Patrizia, it was Fabrizio whom Mr. Caprice had faced with a pervasive and very significant look.

"I confess that I did not get that look from my father." Fabrizio confided, that night under the Icelandic starry sky. "I don't know if he meant that I again belonged to the family by simply sitting at that table, or if, actually sitting at the family table was another proof of that." Fabrizio sighed. "Does it make any difference? My father's insincerity always made ​​our living harder. I mean, constantly interpreting his silences and trying to guess his will  from his signals is very tiring! And that night, the Carpice table had been a bit empty, with four vacancies. Franco's two sons hadn't come, nor had Patrizia's boyfriend... And neither my boyfriend." Fabrizio looked at me with intensity. "I wonder if my father didn't also imply that... if you, Laurent..." tears welled up in Fabrizio's eyes, "... if you had been there, sitting at that table with us, you would also be considered part of our family..."

 "Maybe next time we go to Italy, we can visit your father... and also mine..." Fabrizio whispered when I hugged and kissed him, welcoming his sincerity and sorrow, the pain that the rejection from his family still caused him. 

Sometimes I thought how big Fabrizio's pain might be, for someone who had always tried to be perfect at other's eyes, hungry to get their compliments, confirmation and affection.

Fabrizio recalled our parting in the Apennines, when Carlo had called him 'son', in another demonstration of his true loving nature and generosity.

"You can come to this house whenever you want, son. Even when Laurent is not here. Whenever you are in Italy, remember that you have this house to shelter you!" Carlo had said, without knowing anything about Fabrizio's rejection, but sensing he was an orphan.

Once we again fell silent, we gave ourselves to the spectacle of the Icelandic night. The sky was of an absolute and thick blackness, providing a dramatic contrast to the brightness of the stars. The sea was also pitch black, and in turn dotted by the brightness of the crests of small far flung waves rippling in the wind. We just lay there listening to the sounds of the sea, which corresponded to the noise of the stars moving in the skies, and everything was a silent vastness and the harmonious wilderness. Our hearts, pacified with each other's proximity, seemed to adjust and beat accordingly to that majestic rhythm.

Wrapping ourselves in the blankets we had brought, we fell asleep hugging each other -- until this tropical boy, who writes this, woke up shivering, and together we returned home, just before dawn broke onto our last full day in Iceland.

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Author's note: having been imported from a former version of the story, some of the comments below are dated previous to this post. Once the plot has not been altered, just the pagination, I am keeping them since they are very dear and precious to me.