Episode 45 | Held hostage

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For a few minutes I cherished that idea, thinking I would share it with Catherine. My suggestion was that she'd stay on the Elder Sisters Islands -- a mighty marvel of civilization if compared to the undisturbed palsy of the Île du Blanchomme. From where she could easily board a ship to return to France whenever she wanted, back to her beloved studies at one of the most prestigious Universities in the world, and to her rich girl's spoiled life. Or then, if she wanted to stay, agree that we cool off our relationship, returning to its previous state of cordial coexistence. In such condition we would decently welcome Armand -- like the involuntary guest and host she and I had been at the start. 

I finally realized there was at least one thing that was greater than my lust -- my cowardice. The fear of hurting Armand, deeply and irreversibly... losing him. But then... for how long hadn't I thought of him? While making love to Catherine in his bed? While showering in his house? While cooking and eating from his food? I realized how I had exiled him from my heart and mind after having started my affair with Catherine. It could not continue that way. A love affair, a sex idyll, whatever it was I had with that girl -- it had to end.

I was so engrossed in my selfish stream of thoughts that I missed Catherine standing right behind me, paralyzed. But once my eyes fell on her, obviously in a state of shock and devastated, I immediately lost the courage to desert her.

"I am sick." She said, in a low, somewhat disembodied voice. "Or I have been... You were right, food poisoning..." As she sat on the steps, I realized her body was shaking. The night had fallen, and it was much cooler than the usual temperature on the Île. I hadn't thought of bringing warmer clothes to us. I hadn't thought we'd stay until so late, and now I worried about the next boat... On which I would return all on my own or not? With a shrug, I dismissed those concerns and tried to concentrate on Catherine, whose voice was barely audible. "And the heatstroke. You had it right, too. And they say you took good care of me..." She tried to smile. "And of my skin..."

"Grazie, Dio! Did they give you some medicine?" I asked, sincerely relieved. I realized the doctor to whom I had spoken that morning was observing us from the reception area, and I felt like a child being observed.

"But... there is something else..." She gulped. "Something terrible..." And before I could ask, she added quickly "I'm pregnant."

"You are..." I felt my heart stop for a few seconds and then madly accelerate -- "...pregnant!" Catherine had been speaking so low that her voice seemed to come from another world. Another world, indeed, it turned to be.

"I'm in the first weeks." She murmured. "It's still time to interrupt it..." 

"What are you talking about?" I was dumbfounded with Catherine's announcement, and scared with the perspectives it brought. But her own reaction to it was the worst. "How could you do it? We cannot do it, Catherine, we cannot do that!" I cried in desperation. 

"What do you mean, we?" I guess I had again chosen the wrong words. Her voice rose, and she was enraged. "What are you talking about, we? This is my body, and I do with it as I wish!"

"I will not let you do that Catherine!" I gently took her arm to direct her to the deck chairs to continue our conversation. But she resisted, and when I insisted I must have twisted her arm, or made her fell like I was forcing her. Intimidating, even. And just like when we first met at the Île, she pushed me away.

"Let me go! You are hurting me!" She whined. Harming her was absolutely not my intention, and I immediately backed up. "You have no right... This is a tragedy! This is my tragedy!" Though speaking louder than normal, she was talking to herself. "What's going to become of my life?! This ruins everything!!" She screamed. "I can't have a baby! I'm too young to have a baby! I don't want this baby!"

I raised my hand to again lead her by the arm, but just dropped it. The girl seemed so very mignon in her desolation, again resembling a hapless prey. And standing tall against her, aware that I could easily dominate, grab and drag her as I wished, I felt like a brute. "Please, Catherine..." I begged. One of the nurses had come out to check what Catherine's screams were about. "I think we are disturbing the other patients..."

She gave me a look of consternation, as if saying Who cares?, and suddenly Catherine ran, fleeing the hospital's grounds.

For a moment I was motionless, still taken aghast at the news of her pregnancy, above all surprised with Catherine's reaction to it, and finally, stupefied with her sudden escape. It took me a while to decide to run after her.

Being weakened, and not knowing really where to go, she did not reach far, and I soon caught her, at the square in front of the hospital.

I could not -- or would not -- understand Catherine's reasons for being so miserable and mad with her pregnancy.

I was just surprised. It was my first couple relationship, and naive, inexperienced as I was, in no moment at all, while we made love several times a day, I thought I was repeatedly depositing my seed in her -- even though sometimes it was so abundant that it came out seeping between her thighs, and I'd then lick it and... I felt so proud. Not of any nasty features in bed -- but at the prospect of continuing the lineage of D'Allegros. Though far away from my original land, I immediately felt connected to my ancestors. And I thought of Tarso, my grandfather, who would probably be delighted with the news. I wanted to phone him right away in the Apennines, but of course we did not have a telephone in our stone house, nor at any other property nearby. The stars of a tropical night, on a faraway island to which I held no connection at all, shared my pride and stood bright over me.

There were all these details that I could not have told Laurent, ever, and not during our reunion at the Nirvana Lounge. I hadn't flown all the way from Italy to reunite with him after twenty years to break his heart -- though I could hardly imagine it not being shattered to pieces at some point of that night. 

 I completely omit our visit to the hospital in the Elder Sisters Islands. Nor did I want him to be aware of his mother's initial rejection to being pregnant -- because at that moment there was actually no Laurent. Catherine was considering aborting a faceless, nameless and almost formless baby, as she perceived it. 

Nor did I want to brag about having convinced Catherine to keep the baby, because it was not what happened.

Although Catherine had never mentioned the Île du Blanchomme to Laurent when telling him about his birth, she enjoyed using the anecdote that he had interrupted her vacations with his premature birth in a remote part of the world, implying that he had also interrupted -- most important of all -- her academic career. And maybe that's why he asked me that night at the Nirvana Lounge:

"I know that I was not a planned baby... It was an accident, of course..." Laurent tried to smile, but it was clear that having been generated by chance was one of his sorrowful burdens in life. "Were I, at least, a wanted baby? I mean..."

"You were an announced baby, Laurent!" I interrupted him immediately. "It's true there was no family planning, but you have been blessed even before your birth! 'The Sunrise Son', remember?"

"Yeah, I know..." He was not convinced. "But what about Catherine? I have so often heard her anecdote... I took holidays from the university and never returned... Instead of a nice suntan, I was given a premature son at the end of the world!" -- Laurent imitated his mother's blasé intonation. "She was always reinforcing that I was prematurely born... Not just a couple of months ahead, but years ahead in her life... She always made ​​fun of it, but I never heard her sincere feelings about it..."

"She was... worried." What else could I have told my son? It was heart-wrenching, telling a lie about something so foundational in his life, but the truth was too cruel. Much worse than the legend of the Birth Island that could turn him into a doomed baby. Or was it the doom not being born, never again, not even after having been conceived? "Largely, I think, because of me..." I was ready to take the blame, and avert his attention. "I was so... immature, inexperienced... and she must have thought... How can this goofy man be a father and head of a household?"

Partially, it was so true.

"Can we go to a hotel?" She requested, still sobbing, on the street in front of the hospital, that was almost deserted at that time of the night.

"A hotel?" I mumbled. Suddenly I realized I had not thought about our lodging. I had intended to spend as little time as possible on the Islands, and I had wanted to check the schedule for the next boat right there on our arrival... but with Catherine's sickness, I had forgotten about all my plans.

"We are going to a hotel, aren't we?" Catherine groaned in disbelief, and she almost fainted when she saw the surprise on my face. "A pension, an auberge, whatever..." When I remained powerlessly silent, she finally realized how much at loss she was in my company.

I had brought enough money for the groceries -- Armand's money -- but at no time I had thought about our lodging... I was an inexperienced traveler, and if I were alone in such a situation, I would not mind sleeping rough, right on the streets. Like I already had, upon my arrival on those same Islands.

But with Catherine, especially the condition she was in, it was impossible.

She turned away from me and headed to a bench at the edge of the square, where she lay crying.

I did not know what to do -- I was scared and worried. Whatever pride I had experienced moments ago, it had been overtaken by a devastating panic. I felt lost.

Despite knowing of Catherine's enthusiasm and dedication to her academic career, I was slow in understanding how threatened she must have felt, thinking of all the things she saw herself losing with that pregnancy. And I knew nothing about her dysfunctional family situation, that would lead her to hide that pregnancy, if she could not get rid of it.

"Let's go back to the hospital!" It was the only sensible idea that occurred to me. "You'll get hospitalized the next few days as I purchase the groceries and find out when the next boat leaves..."

"Are you crazy?" she cried, "I did not come here to be hospitalized! And I will not go back..." She must have seen desperation stamped all over my face, when I thought she refused to go back to our Île, and she clarified, "to that shitty hospital."

"It's getting cold, Catherine..." A damp wind had began to blow, just the same as I remembered on my first night in the Islands, when I had slept on a table at the port. I had endured it, but the poor girl absolutely wouldn't. "Aren't you hungry? Thirsty? I'm almost sure they would feed us, if I'd talk to someone there..." What other way could I provide her with her needs? If we'd spend the money for the groceries on lodging and a meal, how could we go back to the Île? I had been so improvident. 

And so things took their way. Catherine was physically weak and too mentally shaken to oppose to my idea -- the only possible solution to our precariousness. She must have felt humiliated, but still she allowed me to guide her back to the hospital. Once the nurses understood our situation, they immediately took her inside.

There was no place for me; however, they let me sleep on the porch, and even lent me a blanket.

During those days I went all over the Elder Sisters Islands in search of good food, and the cheapest too, to maximize the money, while Catherine was hospitalized -- "held hostage" as she would put it. And with the healing passing of time, she decided to keep the baby. 

That's what I believed for many years, until Catherine confessed that it was the woman doctor with whom I had spoken at the entrance to the hospital, and who had examined her, after having tried to lecture her, finally threatened to report Catherine to the police if she tried an abortion. 

That's how and why Laurent survived -- how could I have told him this?

While we waited for the next boat, I ate, slept and showered in the hospital, thanks to the kindness of the medical staff. But I was forbidden to visit Catherine -- on her own orders.

My beard grew and, as I hadn't brought clothes to change, by the end of those days I had that appearance of a homeless person that had so worried Armand at my arrival, on those same Islands. 

I confess that I didn't even want to think about him -- whenever I noticed my mind racing towards my best friend, I'd start singing a song or doing anything else to distract and occupy me, mentally. But thinking solely of Catherine, whom I thought now depended on me, yet was rejecting me -- and, truth be said, she remained a mystery and a stranger to me -- and the baby -- the prospect of being a father suddenly seemed threatening -- none of those things was soothing or calming me. It felt like my previous life was a maze I had finally emerged from -- to find myself before another even greater maze.

I started wondering if the Elder Sisters held something against me. 

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Episode 44 | Erasing that episode

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I don't know how many times I had to say "Non, merci." during that evening.

The other passengers on the boat became aware of Catherine's sickness, and I had to refuse all the native medicine and the drinking and eating stuff that they tried to give us. They seemed like good people -- the young woman with the malevolent gaze didn't try approaching me any further --, and their offers heartfelt, but nevertheless, I did not want to risk our health.

When we disembarked, I did not have to ask around on how to get to the hospital nor look for transportation -- some of the most helpful passengers took care of that for me, while I occupied myself solely with Catherine, who was incredibly dizzy and could barely walk.

On the other end of the Elder Sisters Islands -- two long and narrow islands, connected by a single bridge, with a very busy commercial port --, the hospital was located in an old mansions complex that had formerly belonged to the Colonial Government. Although it was clean, its antiquated appearance did not inspire much confidence. Fortunately, Catherine was so fatigued that she did not refuse to go in.

Having disembarked, her condition began to improve almost immediately. I left her resting on a deck chair and went in search of physicians. At that early time of the day there were only nurses on duty, but they were able to at least provide safe water for Catherine.

While we waited for a physician, she took the saline solution intravenously right there on the porch, and a couple hours later she was much better already. Exhausted and stressed, Catherine temporarily gave up going shopping in search of clothes and books, but she had not given up her main mission on land -- calling France to talk to her family. She hadn't contacted them since she had gone to the Île du Blanchomme.

She was very upset with the difficulties in placing an international call, and her mood worsened when she finally succeeded but a maid reported that Catherine's mother was still sleeping, and she was not allowed to wake her up in any case.

"I'm not any case, you idiot!" Catherine cried, enraged. "I'm her daughter! And you'll wake her up for me." The maid must have given an excuse of some sort, to which Catherine immediately retorted. "Just because I'm telling you to do it! You have no idea the world's end I'm at, right now. "And how difficult it is to get a connection!" She snorted. "And she has sent me here. She is responsible for all this! Now go!"

They finally agreed that Catherine should call again within an hour, giving time to the maid to wake the mother. During that period, Catherine became impatient and refused to leave the public phone area, shooing other users away -- even when they called her to do the exams.

"Not now!" She so fiercely dismissed the nurse that the poor woman blushed and accepted Catherine's orders without further protesting. "Once I'm finished here. Now I have more urgent things to do. Do you understand what I'm saying? Do you understand French at all?!?" We had been living so peacefully for weeks on the Île that I had almost forgotten about Catherine's belligerent nature.

When she finally reached the number again, and her mother answered, Catherine demanded privacy. Apparently, I was the only one around who could understand French.

"Don't you have a list of errands here on the island? You can go, I'll be fine." she suggested, trying to dismiss me.

But I did not want to leave the hospital before someone took care of Catherine -- I thought she could simply walk away, now that she was feeling better, and go shopping... or even board a boat back to France.

Nevertheless, without leaving the hospital's ground nor losing sight of Catherine, I moved away as far as I could from her. Since I wasn't watching her so closely, otherwise she would shoo me, I don't know how long she stayed on the phone, for when I realized it, she was no longer there. A local lady informed me that 'the foreigner' had entered the hospital with a nurse, and after confirming the information at the reception, I could finally calm down. But I only felt at peace after seeing a doctor arrive. I ran up to her, to tell her about Catherine's heatstroke and the food poisoning.

It was while waiting for news from Catherine -- if she would remember my existence at all, since she hadn't bothered warning me that she was moving to the exams' area --, that it suddenly dawned on me that I had left the Île du Blanchomme deserted... Armand and I had never talked about my leaving the Île -- I had been in charge of taking care of the island, and I had with genuine happiness accepted getting stranded there...

I hadn't considered the possible danger of abandoning the island like that, to no one. I knew of pirate ships on those seas, but the news were they assaulted other vessels, not islands... But what could I have done? Send Catherine on a boat and let her seek a hospital on her own? To be by her side I had to leave the island. And my conscience was peaceful, having made the ethical choice between the safety of an individual and a property. Should I have at least locked a few things in the trunks, or secured others against another improbable storm?

But there was something else that I had not thought of...

What if Armand came back during my absence? What if he had been on one of the boats which we had crossed on the way to the Elder Sisters Islands? What would he think upon not finding me anywhere on the Île? How could I have left not a single note? Nothing... How would he react to my unexpected disappearance? I was afraid that he would think of something sinister, like maybe I had drowned, having been swallowed up by the treacherous currents around the Île du Blanchomme he had often warned me about... How could I have been so giddy? I'd have to apologize to my friend.

And not only that. Away from the Île, I realized how much I had put myself in a complicated situation. My main plausible justification to leave the island -- taking care of another human being -- was a mystery to him. How could he have guessed the presence of Catherine on the island? For a moment I froze, as giant goosebumps escalated and enveloped my spine. Catherine could be rather negligent, and I had to tidy her mess. She had been the last one to leave the house, and our room -- in fact, Armand's room, that we had turned into our room... What if she had left her lingerie hanging in the bathroom, or drying at the armchairs on the veranda facing Armand's room, like she usually would? And even if she hadn't, what would be Armand's reaction at opening his dresser to find all the feminine clothes I had so neatly folded and organized in it? 

What would I say to Armand upon his return? And what would I say to Catherine, when he returned? What was there to say, actually? 

I wanted to believe that she would be kind to immediately return the bed and room to Armand, but how to explain him why she had occupied it in the first place? And worse, why had I moved in with her... And what did Catherine represent to me -- and what did she represent, in fact?

That long afternoon, spent at the front steps of the sleepy insular hospital, while Catherine was inside undergoing the exams, for the first time I had a notion of the complicated matters which I had gotten myself into. 

I had been furious with Catherine for coming uninvited to the Île, and for being an involuntary guest, but now that I had voluntarily gotten involved with her... I could even have explained to Armand a non-paying guest, but how to explain... a lover? What I had done to my best friend -- if I could still call him that --, knowing his feelings for me... was unjustifiable.

Suddenly, I saw myself hoping that Catherine would decide not to return to the Île du Blanchomme. I'd tour the Elder Sisters Island with her, find the best and busiest spots, making her fall in love with 'civilization' again, to use her own terms, and even helping her find a ship back to France and the world she missed so badly. Or a house to rent, a lovely cottage right on the beach where I could visit her, were it the case that she wanted to spend more time in the tropics -- or in my company. But not on the Île du Blanchomme, not any longer.

I'd then return on my own -- that would be the best, in case Armand was already on the island -- and I would send her things by boat. Or invent an excuse to later bring them myself. And if Armand hadn't returned yet, I'd be alone again, waiting for his return. I'd never mention Catherine's existence to him, nor her passage through the island -- the winds and the storm were transitory testimonies that could not accuse me. 

That would solve everything -- erasing that episode. A bit shocked with myself, I realized how readily I would have dismissed the girl.

Since there was no true love, just some romantic involvement from my part, if I looked at it coldly, I guessed I would again and simply submit my lust. I just had to start meditating again, and gain control over my mind. I was sure to achieve that... Or maybe I should redirect that desire toward Armand? Wouldn't it be ideal, were it possible?

I had never been so confused and wrong. Thinking that, just like I had used on Catherine what I had learned of love and lust from Armand, I could now reverse the flow and instead, use on Armand what she had taught me.

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